Today a friend of mine asked my views on relationships. Without thinking, I regurgitated an old response I'd been using for years, "Men and women can never be 'just friends'." Then with a quick glance at my life we found that I currently have several female friends! I am my own proof that men and women CAN be friends. So it's time to reorganize my thoughts...
Side Note:
While struggling to accurately write the info below, I realized that the English language is limiting me. Proper words just don't exist for some things. It is also confusing. The word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" suggests that all other friends are not of that gender. "This is my girlfriend," sounds like, "I have only guy friends, except for this one girl friend." And "girlfriend" and "girl friend" mean different things. It's too confusing. Stupid language needs better words.
First, Lets Define Some Terms
- Like - a feeling of enjoyment, approval, admiration, or esteem
- Lust - a feeling of sexual attraction (ie. wanting sex)
- Friend - a person you like, and who also likes you
- Lustbuddy - a person you lust, and who also lusts you (ie. boyfriend/girlfriend)
- Flirt - playful sexually suggestive dialog
Observations
- people like some people
- people lust some people
- like and lust are not like light switches (on/off). they are scales. like is balanced with dislike, and lust with disgust or repulsion. they each vary in intensity.
- people flirt with some people
- flirting increases lust or like
- touching also increases lust or like
The Like/Lust Chart
| If person A | and person B | then |
| likes | likes | Friends |
| likes | - | - |
| lusts | lusts | Lustbuddies |
| lusts | - | - |
| likes | lusts | Much frustration?
Probably unhealthy. |
| likes and lusts | - | - |
| likes and lusts | likes | Friends (unless affected by lust).
Probably unhealthy/unstable. |
| likes and lusts | lusts | Lustbuddies (unless affected by like).
Probably unhealthy/unstable. |
| likes and lusts | likes and lusts | Friends and Lustbuddies |
Love
What's love? Where does love come into all of this? I didn't define it it my list of terms because love is complicated enough to deserve its own section and again I am limited by the lack of proper English words.
- Love - is charity. it is giving and good, selfless and unrequited.
Love can be broken down into 2 components (emotional and physical):
- Emotional Love - a feeling of wanting to Love. (ie. "I want to feed those poor starving African children" or "She is so beautiful and amazing, I want to give her the world"). There is also a component of brain/body chemistry here that makes us feel good when we love and when we are loved. It can take our breath away, quicken our pulse, make us happy, and make us cry. But emotions are temporary. They always are. They fade.
A 2nd definition of Emotional Love - intense like. This emotion is balanced by hate, or intense dislike. I don't like this usage of the word love because it muddies it's other definition. Basically, when you share proper giving love with someone, you are going to like them more intensely and that's why love is often used to describe intense like.
So the phrase "I love you" can mean either "I intensely like you" or "I want to selflessly give to you". Likewise, when you are "in love" you are either "in intense like" or "in a state of selfless giving".
- Physical Love (Love as an action) - this is how we express love, through acts of charity/giving. This is always a choice whether you feel the emotional love or not. Expressing love to family and friends is the same. Expressing love to a lover is also the same except that it has an additional sexual component. Sexual love is the giving (and not necessarily receiving) of sexual pleasure.
Observation #7. Love exists separate from like and lust. Each has their own scale.
Conclusion
What have we learned? Men and women can be friends. More than that, any person can have any degree of love, like, and lust for another person. Relationships are formed when we find another person who's love/like/lust for us matches or partially matches our love/like/lust for them. We then make decisions on how we want the relationship to proceed based on logic, emotions, social norms, alcohol, etc. Maybe it's a lust filled one night stand, or a like filled friendship. Maybe we limit ourselves to 1 active lustbuddy at a time, and demand everyone else be 'just friends'. Whatever our reasons for defining our relationships, we still tend to surround ourselves with people we like.
Observation #8. Love is a gift. It cannot be earned.
Observation #9. Like and lust can be earned.
Surround yourself with people you like, flirt often, and love and lust will work themselves out.
