Guide: How to get harassed by the cops

1. Make eye contact

Anytime you see a cop, security guard, Wal-mart employee, or chimpanzee stare at them straight in the eyes and don't stop... ever.  Good job, you've just dared the law to kill you.

2. Talk

That's right, just start a conversation.  Cops hate to act like human beings.  It's also a plus if you don't know how to shut up.  This will make it harder (or easier) for them to criminalize you during their interroga... er conversation.

3. Ask questions

The person asking the questions is always in control of the conversation.  Try asking rhetorical questions and then demand an answer.  Then ask regular questions and reprimand them for answering, saying, "that was rhetorical, stupid!"  Chances are they wont even know the meaning of the word.

4. Answer questions with questions

Stay in control.  Cops are trained to ask questions to trick you.  Don't be lured into answering them.  Answer all questions with questions.  Get philosophical.  If all else fails, repeat the same question back.

6. Don't ever give your name

Your name is a secret.  Don't tell it to anyone.  If they ask, get very shifty and uncomfortable.  Then start ranting about your 4th amendment privacy rights.  If they ask to see your ID, ask to see theirs first, then don't give them yours.  Never agree to a search of any kind.

e. Lie about everything

If you say anything true, you're not lying.  Cops are trained to lie to you.  But you can get arrested for it.  When you get arrested for lying, remember to complain about your 1st amendment right to freedom of speech.  It's a terrible amendment.  I don't know why we have it.

2. Be hostile

You've nothing to lose, and everything to gain from being hostile.  Hostility gets things done.  Add an eye twitch for emphasis.  Shout things like, "AM I BEING DETAINED?!?"  If the answer is yes, lay on the ground.  If they tell you to stop laying in the street, happily move to the sidewalk.  Feel free to lecture them on being public servants while you relax.

@. Burritos

If possible, do all of the above while eating a burrito.  To do this you may need to buy a sack and keep a supply of burritos on you at all times.  You may also experience massive weight gain because burritos are good.

Follow these simple steps and kiss your ass goodbye.